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JOKES
Jan 22, 2008 23:07:38 GMT
Post by terryrob on Jan 22, 2008 23:07:38 GMT
A chap goes into the Job Centre in Newcastle and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he goes to learn more. "Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the bloke behind the desk.
The Job Centre guy sifts through his files and replies "Uh - yes here it is... OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of £45,000 but I'm afraid you'll have to go to Oxford ."
"Oh why, is that where the job's based?"
"No - that's where the end of the queue is"
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JOKES
Jan 22, 2008 23:09:18 GMT
Post by terryrob on Jan 22, 2008 23:09:18 GMT
Why men don't write advice columns
Dear Ian :
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs.. Sheila Usk
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Best regards Ian
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JOKES
Jan 22, 2008 23:21:01 GMT
Post by terryrob on Jan 22, 2008 23:21:01 GMT
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JOKES
Jan 24, 2008 17:52:23 GMT
Post by Gary on Jan 24, 2008 17:52:23 GMT
;D ;D  |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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JOKES
Jan 25, 2008 21:36:43 GMT
Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2008 21:36:43 GMT
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'
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JOKES
Jan 26, 2008 23:19:06 GMT
Post by Gary on Jan 26, 2008 23:19:06 GMT
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
(From a female!)
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion:
'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
'How long will this take?' I asked.
'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says 'Worked for your arse, didn't it?'
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
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