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Dec 11, 2007 21:47:08 GMT
Post by terryrob on Dec 11, 2007 21:47:08 GMT
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein' too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer, let's go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun." So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand". Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay". He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll haveto...... "I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun". Cilla complies with the routine. Again, the results are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink. Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, this 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer Willie in the other does it really stimulate yer that much?" Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla but the last time I shlept with a scouser, she stole ma wallet.
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Dec 11, 2007 21:48:57 GMT
Post by terryrob on Dec 11, 2007 21:48:57 GMT
One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was lowered.
"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car," said the male driver.
"No way, " replied the boy.
"How about a bag of lollies and £10?" asked the driver.
"No way," replied the irritated youngster.
"What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY QUID, eh"? Quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.
"No, I'm not getting in your bloomin' car!" answered the boy.
"OK, I know what you want, I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies", the driver offered.
"NO," screamed the boy.
"What will it take to get you into the car"? asked the driver with a long sigh.
The boy replied" "Listen Dad, you bought the Skoda, you live with it."
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Deleted
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Jan 16, 2008 20:59:25 GMT
Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2008 20:59:25 GMT
A woman sees an advert in a pet shop window for 3 parrots and decides to surprise her husband in buying one. 1 was £300, 1 was £150 and 1 was £30.
She asked why 1 was so cheap and was told that it was cheap because it lived in a brothel. Not being bothered about that she paid for it, covered its cage and took it home.
On arrival she removed the cloth and the parrot cherps –
Korr --- New brothel… she laughs.
On arrival of her 2 teenage daughters from school the parrot cherps –
Korr --- New prossies…..
On arrival of her husband from work the parrot cherps –
Korr --- Hello Dave do you come here as well!!
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Jan 16, 2008 21:29:55 GMT
Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2008 21:29:55 GMT
Older but not Wiser
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
__________________________________________
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Feb 3, 2008 16:16:13 GMT
Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2008 16:16:13 GMT
not being sexist just a received joke
MAN LAWS Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: When a heroic dog dies to save its master. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. After wrecking your boss's car. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game". When she is using her teeth. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights: Yeah, Baby, Push it! C'mon, give me one more! Harder! Another set and we can hit the showers! Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"
We hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Man Laws, Ltd
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Feb 3, 2008 16:21:34 GMT
Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2008 16:21:34 GMT
Drivers Beware
Beware of the latest scam, I was recently robbed at a traffic light during an increasingly common scam!
This scam involves a topless big breasted young blonde woman who proposes to wash your car windows while you wait at a red light. At the same time, an accomplice takes advantage of the distraction to open the back door and steal whatever's available. Be warned, they are very well organised!
I recommended that you observe the following precautions:
1 Don't leave your doors or windows open if you drive up to a red light 2 If your windows do get washed, don't look at the women doing this, as they will try to divert your attention 3 Do not feel any pity for them for being poor just by the state of their shoddy clothes
it ¡s all an act, as they are stealing a large amount of cash!
They got me twenty times today!¡.. four times yesterday¡¡ five times on Tuesday and twice on Sunday(I couldn't find the corner they were working on Monday).
Regards Don
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Feb 3, 2008 16:31:08 GMT
Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2008 16:31:08 GMT
DON'T MESS WITH OLD LADIES
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Don't Mess With Old Ladies
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Feb 3, 2008 16:33:37 GMT
Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2008 16:33:37 GMT
Hangover Ratings 1 star hangover No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries. 2 star hangover No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails. 3 star hangover Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a kebab and a litre of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 6 chicken nuggets and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once. 4 star hangover You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems. Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a cheeseburger and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. You scare small children in the street just by walking past them. 5 star hangover You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ..... very gently. 6 star hangover You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is simply not an option. The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving. You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed. OK, now hands up all those who have never had a six star hangover!! Thought so!!
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Feb 3, 2008 16:37:48 GMT
Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2008 16:37:48 GMT
Little known facts about COKE & BOUNCE
BOUNCE...the stuff you use in your dryer:
Repels mosquitoes. Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when outdoors during mosquito season.
Eliminates static electricity from your television screen. Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your television screen with a used sheet of Bounce to keep dust from resettling.
Dissolves soap scum from shower doors. Clean with a used sheet of Bounce.
Freshens the air in your home. Place an individual sheet of Bounce in a drawer or hang one in the closet.
Prevents thread from tangling. Run a threaded needle through a sheet of Bounce to eliminate the static cling on the thread before sewing.
Eliminates static cling from pantyhose. Rub a damp, used sheet of Bounce over the hose.
Prevents musty suitcases. Place an individual sheet of Bounce inside empty luggage before storing.
Freshens the air in your car. Place a sheet o of Bounce under the front seat.
Cleans baked-on food from a cooking pan. Put a sheet in the pan, fill with water, let sit overnight, and sponge clean. The anti-static agents apparently weaken the bond between the food and the pan while the fabric softening agents soften the baked-on food.
Eliminates odors in wastebaskets. Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom of the wastebasket.
Collects cat hair. Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will magnetically attract all the loose hairs.
Eliminates static electricity from venetian blinds. Wipe the blinds with a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from resetting.
Deodorizes shoes or sneakers. Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or sneakers overnight so they'll smell great in the morning.
And now, Coke:
To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coke into the toilet. Let the"real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coke.
To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coke over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coke to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coke into the baking pan; wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of Coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coke will help loosen grease stains.
It will also clean road haze from your windshield..... and... WE DRINK THIS STUFF!
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Feb 3, 2008 20:47:36 GMT
Post by terryrob on Feb 3, 2008 20:47:36 GMT
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in." "When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!"
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Feb 13, 2008 20:53:29 GMT
Post by Deleted on Feb 13, 2008 20:53:29 GMT
Near Death Experience
54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
I DID'NT BLOODY WELL RECOGNISE YOU!
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Mar 24, 2008 22:37:10 GMT
Post by Gary on Mar 24, 2008 22:37:10 GMT
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. ( O.M.G !)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A thingyroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour (Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life .quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. ( I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains (I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)
(and God love that PIG)
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Dec 1, 2008 13:44:39 GMT
Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2008 13:44:39 GMT
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.
You've done very well so far,' said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'
'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!'
'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?' A: Sparrow B: Thrush C: Magpie D: Cuckoo
I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin '.
Mick called up his mate and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'
'Are you sure?'
'I'm fookin sure.'
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'
'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris
'Dat it is, Sir.'
There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build it's own nest?
'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!!!
---------------------------------------------------
middle-aged woman
Seemed sheepish as she
Visited her gynecologist.
'Come now,' coaxed the doctor,
'you've been seeing me for years!
There's nothing you can't tell me.'
'This one's kind of strange...'
'Let me be the judge of that,'
The doctor replied.
'We ll,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'
'I see.'
'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were 5p's in the bowl.' 'That night,' she went on, 'I went again,
Plink-plink-plink, and there were 10p's and this morning there were 20p's ! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored,
'I'm scared out of my wits!'
The gynecologist put a comforting Hand on her shoulder. 'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.' ~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Ready for this?) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (I'm warning you.....) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Still not too late.....delete now!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 'You're simply going through the change!
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May 19, 2010 20:41:16 GMT
Post by Gary on May 19, 2010 20:41:16 GMT
The Rancher
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off, she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.
(P.S. I didn't see that coming either)
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May 20, 2010 18:18:47 GMT
Post by Deleted on May 20, 2010 18:18:47 GMT
Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbor Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off.
Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?" Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."
Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says " Sheila... Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too." ...and drives off.
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